Family Refuses to Accept Foster/Adopted Children as "Real Family."

Breakfast With Bubbie

Written by Robin "Bubbie" Montgomery

Dear Bubbie,

My wife and I have been married for three years now. Two years ago we found out we are unable to conceive children. After the shock wore off, we discussed at length all of our options on how to become parents. We decided we could make a huge difference in a child's life by becoming foster parents.

We got our first foster placement 14 months ago. She is a beautiful little 2 year old and her biological mother is due any time with another baby. Social services has already asked us if we would be interested in fostering the new baby because the biological mother is incarcerated and will be for a very lengthy time. The county has already begun the process of terminating parental rights for our daughter. The biological mother has said she will sign away her parental rights on the baby because she wants the children to be together. Of course we jumped at the opportunity.

Our social worker has already talked to us about possibility of adopting our daughter and her sibling. We are overjoyed at the thought of them being ours forever. Hopefully, this time next year they will legally be ours, because they are already ours in our hearts.

Here's my issue. My wife's family has completely accepted our foster daughter as part of the family. My family, on the other hand, doesn't accept her. They don't give her Christmas gifts, nor birthday gifts. Not once have they offered to watch her or spend time with her. 

We're afraid to talk to our social worker about this for fear it could interfere with or stop the adoption all together.

I have talked to my parents and my siblings about how I feel.  I have told them we are adopting her and her sibling. The only answer I ever get is "She isn't really our family."

She is "really" our daughter and the baby is "really" ours already. I don't want my children feeling they aren't part of my family or feeling different from their cousins that my parents dote on. How do I address this? I want them to be a part of my family but I won't let them hurt them like this. 

Adoption Angst in Anza

Dear Adoption Angst,

Congratulations on your growing family! What a gift you are giving to those beautiful babies! And what a miraculous gift you have been given! 

Fostering is an amazing way to show children what family is truly about, even if only temporarily. As former foster parents for thirteen years,  my husband and I helped raise nearly sixty children in addition to our own.  We legally adopted three children and several more have "come home "after aging out of the foster care system.  

We didn't have the same challenges you are facing, however we did have a family member that had a very obvious favorite. We also had family members that didn't believe we should be foster parents at all and should focus only on "our children." 

Another issue we had was family explaining that our adoptive children, "weren't ours biologically," to complete strangers, trying to explain the size of our family.

We had to talk to our families. We told them never to say they weren't ours or "these three are adopted." It only served to confuse and seperate our children into two sets; three biological and three adopted. 

My best advice is not to let this problem and frustration fester. Talk to your family. Tell them how their actions make you feel. Explain to them how and why their actions are detrimental, not only to your potential adoptive children, but to your entire family as well. 

If, after you have explained how you feel, your family still chooses to not accept your foster/adoptive children, that is their loss. Your number one job at this point is to raise your children to the best of your abilities and to provide for them and protect them as much as you possibly can, even if that means protecting them from your family.

If things don't change, you may have to make a hard decision as to whether or not you will allow this kind of abuse to continue. It is abuse, in my opinion.  These children had no choice in the circumstances of their birth. They are not responsible for the poor choices their bilogical parents made. Your children should not have to suffer rejection and obvious bias at the hands of your, "real family."

There may come a time when you may simply have to stop visiting your family, if they can not treat your children as equals. You need to tell your family exactly why you won't visit them and why they can no longer visit you. At that point, your family will have to make a decision as to whether or not they will change their ways and accept your children, or continue on without you in their lives.

Not all blood is family and not all family is blood.

Enjoy your beautiful family and all the joy they will bring you!  

If you have any questions you'd like answered or would like a little advice please contact me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com or on my Facebook page.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Breakfast With Bubbie

Written By Robin "Bubbie" Montgomery

Riverside County News Source

Dear Bubbie,

I am a senior in high school and recently turned 18.  I have a weekend job and pay for my own cell phone.  My problem is my mom is trying to tell me that I have a curfew and if my grades "don't improve" she's going to take my cell phone from me.

I pay for my cell phone, not my mom. I am an adult and I don't think she has the right to give me a curfew or take MY phone. I've tried talking to her about it, but she keeps saying if I don't like it I can leave. How can a mother tell her child I can leave if I don't like it? I would NEVER do that to my child. 

Ticked in Temecula

Dear Ticked,

Congratulations on your senior year and your job. You are making responsible choices that are invaluable in adulthood. Part of those choices need to be focusing on your grades, especially if you want to continue on to college.

Should your mom be able to take away your cell phone? Probably not, since you pay for it. However, you are living under your mother's roof and you need to abide by her rules. If you are going to be late for curfew, it is common courtesy to call with an explanation. You have no idea how we parents worry. A simple phone call can solve a lot of problems before they start. 

As parents, we are not perfect. In fact, we are learning how to deal with new problems every day just like you are. Has your mom had to deal with an 18 year old, young adult before? It's totally different from dealing with a 12 year old. You are both learning and growing every day, so try giving each other a break.  

If you have any questions you'd like answered or would like a little advice please contact me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com or on my Facebook page.

Can you hear me now?

Breakfast With Bubbie

Written By Robin "Bubbie" Montgomery

Riverside County News Source

Dear Bubbie,

I am a senior in high school and recently turned 18.  I have a weekend job and pay for my own cell phone.  My problem is my mom is trying to tell me that I have a curfew and if my grades "don't improve" she's going to take my cell phone from me.

I pay for my cell phone, not my mom. I am an adult and I don't think she has the right to give me a curfew or take MY phone. I've tried talking to her about it, but she keeps saying if I don't like it I can leave. How can a mother tell her child I can leave if I don't like it? I would NEVER do that to my child. 

Ticked in Temecula

Dear Ticked,

Congratulations on your senior year and your job. You are making responsible choices that are invaluable in adulthood. Part of those choices need to be focusing on your grades, especially if you want to continue on to college.

Should your mom be able to take away your cell phone? Probably not, since you pay for it. However, you are living under your mother's roof and you need to abide by her rules. If you are going to be late for curfew, it is common courtesy to call with an explanation. You have no idea how we parents worry. A simple phone call can solve a lot of problems before they start. 

As parents, we are not perfect. In fact, we are learning how to deal with new problems every day just like you are. Has your mom had to deal with an 18 year old, young adult before? It's totally different from dealing with a 12 year old. You are both learning and growing every day, so try giving each other a break.  

If you have any questions you'd like answered or would like a little advice please contact me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com or on my Facebook page.

Home For the Holidays?

Breakfast With Bubbie

Written by Robin “Bubbie” Montgomery

Riverside County News Source

Dear Bubbie,

My husband and I have been married for three years now.  Our relationship is wonderful and we both love our in-laws.  I have one small problem though. As we get closer to the holidays, my anxiety starts to flare.

It’s all the rushing from one house to the other, making sure we haven’t forgotten anything, making sure we spend enough time with both of our families, especially now that we have an infant.

We’ve talked about rotating holidays with the families, but both our moms would be heart broken especially with our baby being the first grand-child on both sides.  We just don’t know what to do.

Thank you,

Harrowing Holidays in Hemet

Dear Harrowing,

Congratulations on your marriage and your new baby. This situation may be a little easier than you might think. What you and your husband fail to see in your situation is your in-laws were once newlyweds and new parents, too.  You can explain how you are feeling. While it may ruffle a few feathers slightly, they really understand where you are coming from better than you might think.

Better yet, ask if you can host holiday meals at your house if your living space allows.  Explain that it make things so much easier on the baby not to have to be away from home for so long. BUT, make sure you explain you will need both of your mother-in-laws help between cooking, setting the tables and of course helping with the grand-baby.

Now, there are families that simply can’t/won’t change from family tradition. And unfortunately that is going to have to come down to your preference AND whether or not this is worth the drama you will inevitably have to deal with.

Personally, it was a difficult road to travel at holidays. Both my husband and I have large families with wonderful traditions that thankfully, to us, were worth the “hassle” of the holiday.  Our children were blessed enough to have great-grandparents for most of their young lives.  Since then, they have lost all four great-grandparents, two grandfathers and one grandmother. Our children still talk about holidays with them. They have all sorts “Do you remember when?” stories. They always smile when they talk about the holidays.

I will add one caveat, if you have elderly grandparents or parents, always go to them. I say this from the deepest part of my heart. You never know when your last holiday is going to be with your loved ones. Cherish this time. Take tons of pictures. Take the “generations pictures.” They may be all you have later. You don’t want to regret not having those moments.

If you have any questions you'd like answered or would like a little advice please contact me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com or on my Facebook page.

We at Riverside County New Source want to salute all of military, past, present and future, for their service, dedication and sacrifice. We also want to thank the families of our military personnel for your support, love and tears. God Bless You All!

Marriage Isn't for you!

Breakfast With Bubbie

Written by Robin "Bubbie" Montgomery

Riverside County News Source

Over the past ten years of my life, whenever I have discussed Trevor's accident, people have said to me "Trevor is so lucky you didn't leave him" It never failed to stun me that people could possibly think I would EVER leave Trevor, let  alone during the worst possible time of his life. They would then proceed to tell me about different friends that left their spouse, or their spouse left them after suffering sever injuries. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I still can not wrap my mind around leaving your spouse in their time of need. No matter how terrible it is.

My reply was always the same. Never in a million years could I leave Trevor. Don't people remember their vows...in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times, until death do us part? Do those words, those VOWS mean nothing?

One day I came across a post...Marriage Isn't for you.....it says everything I have felt about this statement I heard so often.

 http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/

My marriage isn't for me. My marriage is for us. That's why Trevor isn't the lucky one, I am. I am lucky to be able to care for him.  I am lucky because I got to see every miracle he achieved. I got to watch him sleeping at night because I still had him. I am the lucky one. 

If you have any questions you'd like answered or would like a little advice please contact me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com or on my Facebook page.

Our children don't want us to grow up

Breakfast With Bubbie

Written by Robin "Bubbie" Montgomery

Riverside County News Source

Dear Bubbie,

My wife and I are months away from retiring. We have been looking forward to retiring for years. We have dreamed about selling our house, buying an RV, and traveling the country. We have had long talks with our kids about it for years. They have even given us ideas of places to visit.

Now that the time is finally here and our house is on the market, our kids are really upset about it. All we're hearing now is anger, frustration and hurt feelings.

"What about your grand-kids?"

"What about the holidays?"

"What if we want to visit?" 

"What about us kids?"

It's really starting to upset my wife and I'm really getting a little angry about all of their attitudes. How do I tell our kids that they need to stop and that it is time for our children to allow us to finally live for ourselves and enjoy our lives? I don't want to upset my kids but they are all adults with families of their own.

Thank you for your help,

Retirement Road Trip Blues

Dear Road Trip,

Congratulations on your upcoming retirements! So many of us dream of that day. Now sell your house, pack your RV and get ready for the road trip of a lifetime! You have EARNED it!

Your children are being a bit selfish, but understandably so. It forces them into a stage of life that they aren't sure they are ready for....life without Mom and Dad AND your home as their anchor. BUT what your children fail to see is that they themselves have previously pushed you into stages of life that you maybe weren't quite ready for as they were growing up.....such as when they took their first steps, their first day of going away to school, dealing with teenage angst, moving away to college, moving out of the house, getting married...etc. And just like their parents did before them, they'll adapt.

In this age of the internet, there are wonderful apps out there, like Skype or Google Hangouts, that allow you to talk face to face over the internet. Not to mention the apps right on your cell phone. So you can "see" each other and your grand-kids any time you want. You can even watch your grand-kids' school plays, recitals, games and musicals on those same apps. You can even start your own blog so your kids and grand-kids can enjoy the journey with you and it will be a beautiful memory they will cherish forever. 

If your children want to visit, what a perfect way to plan their vacation! You can agree upon a place to meet and vacation together. Imagine the memories your grand-children will have. You can vacation with all of them at once, kind of like a family reunion. Or you can all meet them in different places at different times. 

As for the holidays, I'm pretty sure you'll spend more holidays with family than you will away from them.

It's time you let your children know their continued negativity is hurting their mom and upsetting you. And quite frankly it's taking away the joy you both deserve for all the excitement that awaits you on the road ahead. This is an exciting and scary time for you as well, so make sure you truly ready for such a huge change in your lives. 

Let them in on your excitement. Offer to have your sons go RV shopping with you. Have your wife ask your daughters help pick accessories and photos for the RV. (Grandparents can't go anywhere without our family photos!) Insist on an entire family portrait so when you each look at the photo you'll know the others are thinking of you. Remind them, in as gentle way as you see fit, YOU ARE'NT DEAD! You're just traveling. 

This is your time. You have earned it. Live your dream. Enjoy the scenic routes and always seek out the road less traveled. 

P.S. Make sure to send us all a picture or two of your travels together,

If you have any questions or would like a little advice please contact me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com or on my Facebook page.