Family's Negativity Makes Loss Nearly Unbearable

Breakfast With Bubbie

Written by Robin "Bubbie" Montgomery

Riverside County News Source

Dear Bubbie,

   I recently lost my cousin to suicide. It has been terribly hard on my entire family. My cousin and I were very close.  I keep looking back and wondering how I could have missed that she was in so much pain.
   My problem is, I come from a very religious family. They either refuse to talk about her or say she is in hell.  I get so angry about it I don't even want to go to family functions any more.  I don't understand how family can say or even think these things about her. She was so kind. She helped so many people. She helped people that my family would usually look down their noses at.
   I don't want to walk away from my family, especially now that they are all hurting. But I'm afraid if one more person says one more thing I am going to loose it and explode.

Thank you for any advice,
Heartbroken


Dear Heartbroken,

I am so sorry for your and your family's loss. Suicide is a tragedy that touches nearly everyone in one way or another. It is devastating and not something a family ever truly recovers from.

For your sake and your sanity, you have to stop trying to figure out how and why you missed the signs. That is a question you will never be able to answer.  As we have seen through the tragic death of Robin Williams, it is usually the people who are trying to make others around them happy that are sometimes hurting the most.  They hide their pain behind their smiling mask and spend their time and effort trying to help others.

I can't speak for your family or their religion. In fact, I won't speak to or for any religion regarding suicide.  I personally do not believe a person who has committed suicide was in a position to be thinking  clearly and rationally. It is possible they are so lost in their own darkness and despair they are drowning in,  they can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel or a way out of their current situation. Other times, they are simply tired of fighting their inner demons and have lost hope for a better tomorrow.

Dealing with family and religious matters is a very difficult path to navigate, especially if you do not have the same beliefs your family does. Because your cousin's death is recent, she will be the topic of discussion for a while...it's only natural. My best advice is to either ask them not to discuss her in front of you or change the subject, try countering your family's negativity with cherished memories if possible. I understand you want to be there to support your family in this time of grief, but it is perfectly ok to step away while you are healing as well.

If you or someone you love need help dealing with loss from suicide, there are several suicide support groups you can get in touch with.

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com
http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/find-support/find-a-support-group
http://www.allianceofhope.org/

If you or someone you know are struggling with suicidal thoughts please seek help. You are not alone. You are loved. Please call The National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255

https://www.veteranscrisisline.net
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Water Place.

 Photo by Mary Engelbreit

Breakfast With Bubbie

Dear Bubbie,

I am one of those people that is very proud of my home. I work very hard to keep my yard clean and beautiful. I am very proud of the way my front yard looks and I work hard to keep it that way.
I have installed a water softener system so I am not watering my lawn with hard water.

My issue is my neighbor. His sprinklers water my grass as well and he has hard water. I have asked him repeatedly to make sure his water doesn't get on my grass but he doesn't seem to care. He has even slammed his door in my face.

I called the sheriff's department and the deputy who came out explained to me this was a civil matter, just a neighbor dispute, and would be best taken up with my Home Owner's Association. Then the deputy walked over to my neighbor's sprinkler, which was on at the time and spraying my grass with his hard water. The deputy whipped out a small tool and turned the sprinkler head so the water was no longer getting my grass wet.

While this temporarily fixed the problem, ten minutes later the wind picked up and my neighbor's hard water was once again getting my grass all wet. The deputy said there was nothing he could do to control mother nature and he had done all he could do at that time and after he talked to my neighbor about my concerns, he drove away.

Even though the deputy fixed the problem in less than ten seconds, how can I get my neighbor to understand how important this is to me?

Ticked Off in Temecula




Dear Ticked Off,

    I'm not quite sure what the difference is between watering your grass with hard water as opposed to soft water, so I don't know if hard water would damage your lawn. However, I can say that your neighbor can not control the wind, so over spray is unavoidable.  If you are truly worried about hard water getting on your lawn, the only thing I can suggest is building a solid wall around your lawn. Of course you need to check into any city permits or permits through your home owners association if applicable.
 
   My biggest concern is that you called law enforcement to deal with this situation. When you call the police for matters like this, you are taking them away from important, possibly dangerous, calls. You can literally be putting someone's life at risk....over your lawn. Our law enforcement professionals are not there for us to settle nonsensical situations and silly neighbor disputes that we should be able to deal with on our own, as adults.  Our officers have enough to deal with. Calling the police is for emergency situations, not lawns being over-sprayed with the wrong type of our neighbor's water.





If you have a question you'd like answered private message me or email me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com

I liked him so I put a ring on him....now that ring is a "ho" magnet

                                                        Photo by Mary Engelbreit

Breakfast With Bubbie

Written by Robin "Bubbie" Montgomery
Riverside County News Source
RiversideCountyNewsSource.org


JLM writes:

Dear Bubbie,
 I am having an issue with women openly flirting with my husband, sometimes right in front of me. I want to claw their eyes out! And the hard part is my husband seems completely oblivious to these women and how much they want him and flirt with him. He is simply clueless. So my problem isn't with him so much, but all the women who couldn't seem to care less that my man is MY MAN. How do I deal with these women without causing a scene or an argument between my husband and I?


Dear JLM,
My mom had a saying. "What does every woman want? What another woman has!" Unfortunately, I have found this to be true.

I personally feel that women that flirt with husbands, fiances, and boyfriends are jealous and want exactly what you have. It is disrespectful and these women leave themselves open to being called and thought of as tramps and potential homewreckers. Unfortunately people seem to forget their actions speak louder than their words ever will.

I have had to set a few women straight myself. I have handled it VERY wrong at times. For example, you probably should not go to the woman's place of business, stand up on a bar stool and announce to everyone in the location that the woman in question had announced she didn't care if your husband was happily married with six children and that she just wanted to have sex with your husband. Don't do that.  While you may feel justified in doing so...you could feel (and look) like you may have lost a little piece of your mind at the same time.

Now a days, I look those flirty women straight in the eye and smile...a little deviously. I then turn to my husband and whisper something naughty in his ear. The smile he gets on his face speaks volumes. Then I look right back at the woman and wink. That way, not only does she know that I'm on to her, she knows exactly what's going to transpire when we get home. It's my way of getting my point across while still remaining the "lady" my mom raised me to be.

As far as your husband being oblivious...well let's just say this seems to be an issue with the male species. That being, said it speaks volumes about your husband. Perhaps, he doesn't see the obvious flirting because he doesn't need or want to.  He has eyes for you and you alone.

If you are still feeling uncomfortable about the situation, TALK TO HIM. He is your partner. He is your friend. He is your confidante. Communication is, always has been, and always will be one of the main keys to any successful relationship. To paraphrase a popular saying, "They can't fix it unless they know it's broken."

If you have a question you'd like answered private message me or email me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com

I liked him, so I put a ring on him...now that ring is a "ho" magnet!

                                                        Photo by Mary Engelbreit

Breakfast With Bubbie

JLM writes:

Dear Bubbie,
 I am having an issue with women openly flirting with my husband, sometimes right in front of me. I want to claw their eyes out! And the hard part is my husband seems completely oblivious to these women and how much they want him and flirt with him. He is simply clueless. So my problem isn't with him so much, but all the women who couldn't seem to care less that my man is MY MAN. How do I deal with these women without causing a scene or an argument between my husband and I?


Dear JLM,
My mom had a saying. "What does every woman want? What another woman has!" Unfortunately, I have found this to be true.

I personally feel that women that flirt with husbands, fiances, and boyfriends are jealous and want exactly what you have. It is disrespectful and these women leave themselves open to being called and thought of as tramps and potential homewreckers. Unfortunately people seem to forget their actions speak louder than their words ever will.

I have had to set a few women straight myself. I have handled it VERY wrong at times. For example, you probably should not go to the woman's place of business, stand up on a bar stool and announce to everyone in the location that the woman in question had announced she didn't care if your husband was happily married with six children and that she just wanted to have sex with your husband. Don't do that.  While you may feel justified in doing so...you could feel (and look) like you may have lost a little piece of your mind at the same time.

Now a days, I look those flirty women straight in the eye and smile...a little deviously. I then turn to my husband and whisper something naughty in his ear. The smile he gets on his face speaks volumes. Then I look right back at the woman and wink. That way, not only does she know that I'm on to her, she knows exactly what's going to transpire when we get home. It's my way of getting my point across while still remaining the "lady" my mom raised me to be.

As far as your husband being oblivious...well let's just say this seems to be an issue with the male species. That being, said it speaks volumes about your husband. Perhaps, he doesn't see the obvious flirting because he doesn't need or want to.  He has eyes for you and you alone.

If you are still feeling uncomfortable about the situation, TALK TO HIM. He is your partner. He is your friend. He is your confidante. Communication is, always has been, and always will be one of the main keys to any successful relationship. To paraphrase a popular saying, "They can't fix it unless they know it's broken."

If you have a question you'd like answered private message me or email me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com

How To Deal With "Negative Nancys"

Photo Credit: Mary Englbreit

How To Deal With "Negative Nancys"

Written by Robin "Bubbie" Montgomery
Riverside County News Source

Glenda Ten-Napel asked:
"How do you deal with "Negative Nancy's" in an optimistic way?"

This is a difficult one. We all have these types of people in our lives and it's very hard not to be snarky or rude back to them. It's also sometimes tough to remember that these same people may be going through very difficult times in their lives and are reacting to their own personal stress.

That being said, the best way I have found to deal with Negative Nancy's is just to kill them. 

Uhhhmm....darn spell-check....I meant, kill them with kindness. Or if that doesn't work you can try and change the topic of discussion if it is going in a negative direction. And of course humor always helps. As I always remind my kids, it takes at least two people to carry on and continue an argument.

But there are almost always going to be people in our lives who see everything in their life as negative. The best thing you can do is walk away. It is OK to not allow negative people in your life, even if they are family. It is OK to want to grow and change in a positive way and some people just can't or won't do that. In fact in some cases, choosing to walk away might be the only choice you can realistically make to protect yourself and your loved ones. It might be a difficult decision to make, but once made, your decision can change your life.

There is a wonderful book that I recommend to couples that Trevor and I counsel called "Silver Boxes: The Gift of Encouragement," by Florence Littauer. It is very uplifting. It talks about how using positive thoughts and words can change a persons life.

Just remember, be kind to one another, you never know what someone else is going through.

If you have a question you'd like answered private message me or email me at bubbie.rcns@gmail.com